Did you know I've changed a lot?
Crazy, right? I dunno how, but I did.
I have amazing friends, and I'm a much better and happier person.
I like myself. I like life. I'm happy.
But have you ever had that sick feeling in your stomach?
I feel deleted.
Weird. I know, but I don't really care.

I've been writing again. I wrote a song the other day that ended up being for a friend of mine. She needed it. I don't like it so much anymore, but she loves it, so that's good I guess. I'm still as critical as ever of my work.
Friday I sang my favorite song in front of a crowd on stage. Willingly put myself in that situation too. It was an incredible feeling. Not sure how to describe it.
This year has been crazy, but a hell of a lot of fun too.
I'm sad so many people are leaving. But they're not really leaving. Just going to different places. I can still talk to them.

I've discovered I may or may not have some weird type of eating disorder. I've lost a lot of weight and I couldn't figure out why. I eat when I'm hungry and I eat till I'm full. But I realized I'm never hungry. When I eat what I figured out wasn't a lot, I feel sick. I'm not really sure what's up with that, but I realized I have a problem and I'm getting it fixed.

I don't trust people very well, but I forgive too easily. I don't depend on anyone though. I do things for myself. It's good. My friends worry about me a lot though when something's wrong. But things aren't wrong a lot anymore.

Today, a really good friend of mine is leaving and I won't see him for a very long time. I'm going to miss him a lot and I'll hardly be able to talk to him. But I'm partying with him tonight and it's going to be great. I'm going to cry, and I don't care.

Life is crazy, but it's the best time of my life. And I'm not letting it go.

And a message for you, if you read this, and you know who you are. I'm sorry things worked like they did and I'm sorry you feel guilty. You should. But I forgive you and I'm sorry for everything I've done. I hope you can forgive me. I wish we could be friends, but I don't know if you can do that. Don't let me get my hopes up again, 'cause that hurts. I don't ever want you like I had you before, but you were the best friend I ever had, and I wouldn't mind having a friend like you again. If not, it's okay. But I'm not going to disappear forever. We may never talk again, if that's what you want, but I'll never forget you. If I do never speak to you again, I wish you the best of luck in life, and I still think you'll amount to all the things you want to. You have the drive.

Cheers,
Katie

Really?
Really?
How the hell am I supposed to do that if you do this?
Oh baby, I have a thousand words for you, but most of them are pleasant so I can't write 'em down.
Let me tell you all I've learned sometime.
I've still got warm blood running through my viens.
Is that more than you can say?

Son of a bitch. Go away.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Things have been so crazy lately. I haven't hardly been on here at all.
Friends (sort of friends, actually) have been driving me nuts. Good friends have been getting into trouble. I've been trusting people again. Go figure that was a bad idea. :\
I started dating this one guy back in October. It ended after only a couple of days 'cause he was a real asshole. My typical boyfriend genre, but bad even for me, right? So lately, he's been trying to have an affair with my friend while going out with this other chick. This girl is a bit of a whore, but she's a sweetie, so I'm kind of worried. I mean, my friend won't do anything, but other's aren't quite to awesome. And the guy has been really pissed at me 'cause I keep warning other girls. He lost a few toys that way. Oops.
For the first time in a long time, I've actually started liking a guy who wasn't an asshole. He's pretty cool. But, there's this huge difficulty keeping us apart. It'll maybe work out, but I'm just impatient.
I did decide to get really busy however. I'm the main house lady person for tech crew for our play this spring, I'm on speech (and in the category where I have to write my own), I'm starting track soon, I'm doing all sorts of choir things, and I'm a cantor in church now. Being busy is great and all, but my mom doesn't really like it. And she's pre-menopausal and super pissy with me all the time. I get my phone taken away a lot and screamed at more than ever.
Also, I haven't been sleeping and I've been losing weight from not eating. I'm not not eating on purpose. It's just, I don't ever get hungry. I did eat two meals AND a milkshake today though, which is more than I've had in one day for probably three months. So that's awesome.
I guess nothing interesting is really going on in my life except for all the crazy sporatic fights and whatnot. But other than that, it's been pretty dull. Choir is amazing though. I love most the people in there and it's just a pretty cool class. Getting graded for doing my favorite thing. I'm not even uncomfortable singing anymore because of it. I've had to do a couple solos. Only one really in choir (one that I had to do, like, three times) but in a couple other places too.
Mentally, I'm doing alright. I still think and worry too much and suffer with an extreme guilt complex, but it's okay.

This past month, there have been things coming up that I never would've thought would spill over. I told a secret that I've only told my therapist and I've dealt with weird things. I'm becoming someone who I admire a little bit.
But I'm not there yet. I just hope I don't go cold.

I realize I still haven't put anything up here yet. I need to, and yet I've lately been reading over some of the old stuff of mine and find it completely superficial.
My writings have no backbone, no substance. They feel very similar to that vampire romance novel Twilight that everyone liked so much. Sure, it had an okay plot and it was a great book for preteens, but really? Where was the moral? The theme? The point? Where was that passage that makes your head spin or that chapter that makes you think even more deeply? I feel like everything I write is like that. Just a synonym of another piece. Nothing special.
Point is, I'm not sure if I'll put them up or not. I don't even like the old stuff I have up there. I might delete it. But I'm also pretty lazy when it comes to insignificant things like that.

These last four days, I've been optimistic. So much so, in fact, that I don't know what to do with it. It's really crazy and I'm beginning to get suspicious. But I like the feeling. I also dyed my hair on Sunday. It's a dark red now, darker than I've ever had it before. I really like the color, even if it makes my skin look pale. But I don't mind being pale.

I've kind of been jumping around crushes. They have no substance to them, not too much heart in it, but they're still fun to have. I'll never persue them either. It's not fair to the other person, really. But the people I've had crushes on... oh wow! One was this guy at my school, a paragon of music. He's a fantastic singer and can play nearly every instrument known. That's only a little bit of an exaggeration too. Plus, he has gorgeous eyes. But sadly, he fell head over heels with the goddess of Theater so it was a lost cause. He found out I liked him too and told me his feelings weren't similar, but I found out he was lying but can't do anything now because he told me no and would feel awkward. The other guy, and I just realized I liked him in a completely basic sort of way yesterday night, was a asshole pig I've dated before. But I won't let him know I like him because he'll just make a mess of it like last time. And really, what's the point? Crushes are meant to be talked about late at night with other girls. Not persued by romantics with another stabbed into their heart.

Anything else that has been going on is really just a bunch of laughter and illness. The end of the semester is coming up however so I'll be super studying for finals. Oh! And on a final note, I've got three colleges in mind for me now. And two majors. The first major is physcology. That's the one I'm most interested in. The second is education. Either way, I'll minor in theater just for the heck of it. A wise man once told me that I should do something I enjoy. Especially if I'm going to give it up to become a good mom someday. Because that's my dream job and goal in life. Being a good mom.

Well, that's all folks. Just a little update on life. Because I've changed a lot and I'm actually living. Living is good, even if you have dreams in your heart.
And on a final (this one actually is the final note) note, remember this. You can believe in something that may come one day, but don't let them stop you from living today. If the one day was meant to happen, stopping your life isn't going to get it here faster. Enjoy ladies and gents.

Oh, and I still want to be your friend. Even if that's all you'll give me.